Update

I'm likely moving to Guam for four and a half years, starting in November. I'm getting things set up to rent out my house so we don't have to sell it. I'm trying to play current titles to keep up with work. I'm hanging out with my friends, who are cool people.

When alone, I feel intensely exhausted. I can't bring myself to care about anything. I don't want to move. 

I need to do something. Something for myself. Something selfish and fun, that I can just love for the sake of when it's finished. When was the last time I made something, anything, specifically for me and me alone? It's been a while. I draw things I like, yes, but I have to rationalize the effort I put into the bigger pieces by telling myself other people will like it, too. When there's not much response, I feel like I'm fooling myself. Excusing myself. Excusing myself for all the time and effort I put into something no one cares about but me. 

Do I need permission? Recognition? My time is my own, I like what I like... but I don't feel like I like it anymore. 

Is this more of what she did? The fucking leech that lived in my house and siphoned off my life for a year and a half? Was this part of the horrible feedback loop she created when I made works for her? The simplest little scribble of her favorite characters sent her squeeing through the roof. It's one of the reasons why Aristel got so much quick work made of her and Jonathan-- I had someone in my home, responding intensely to that work, making me feel appreciated; but that appreciation was attached to a toxic relationship that I rightly cut out of my life. 

Am I craving something that's inherently bad for me? 

I don't understand it. I'm trying to. 

This might make some people worry about me. I assure you, I'll be okay. I will not apologize for making people worry; I'll simply thank you for caring about me. 

-Loor